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Why do many men find it difficult to start or engage with inner emotional work?

Ancient Wisdom, Concepts & PsychoEducation, Men, Mens Work, Societal Values, Spirituality, Teenagers

Many men are hesitant to engage in emotional work primarily due to early socialization, societal pressure to conform to traditional masculinity, and a fear of vulnerability. The dilemma of being in touch with emotions leads many men to suppress feelings, which they learn to view as signs of weakness or liabilities

The Emotional Crisis with Males….Here are some of the main reasons behind this trend:

1. Growing Up Being Told to “Be Tough”

A lot of boys grow up hearing things like “man up,” “don’t cry,” or “deal with it.” Over time, they learn that showing emotion or vulnerability is something to hide rather than talk about.

As Bell Hooks talked about in The Will to Change, many men end up disconnecting from their emotional side because they feel pressure to be strong, dependable, or always in control.

For many men, opening up can feel risky. There’s often a fear of looking weak, failing, or being judged, so instead they keep things to themselves.

2. Not Having the Words or Tools for Emotions

Some men genuinely struggle to understand or explain what they’re feeling. Instead of sadness or anxiety, it can come out as numbness, frustration, or shutting down completely.

A lot of male friendships are also built around doing things together rather than talking deeply about emotions. Because of that, many men never really learn how to have emotional conversations comfortably.

Some have also learned from experience that expressing emotions leads to arguments, rejection, or discomfort, so avoiding emotions starts to feel safer.

3. Fear of What Happens If They Open Up

When men do become vulnerable, the reaction isn’t always positive. Some have experienced being mocked, judged, ignored, or having their vulnerability used against them later.

That can make emotional honesty feel unsafe, especially if being “strong” is tied closely to their sense of identity or self-worth.

4. Trauma and Emotional Shutdown

Past experiences can play a big role too. Men who grew up around emotionally unavailable parents, criticism, or trauma often learn to shut emotions down as a way to cope or protect themselves.

Depression in men also doesn’t always look like sadness. It can show up as anger, irritability, overworking, addiction, or emotional numbness instead.

5. Different Ways of Handling Emotions

Men are often encouraged to deal with emotions through action — fixing problems, staying busy, exercising, working harder — rather than talking things through.

Many also feel pressure to stay in control at all times, so emotional expression can feel uncomfortable or even like they’re losing control of themselves.

6. Lack of Rites of Passage leading to Initiated Men

Society also doesn’t help as it could by offering Rites of Passage to facilitate the transition from childhood through adolescence to adulthood. The young man faces a challenge, faces his fear, looks inside and finds inner resources he did not know he had. As a result he emerges profoundly different, ready to then occupy a more full place in the world, with a better relationship with himself.

Overall

All of this can create a cycle: men are taught to suppress emotions, don’t always develop the tools to process them, and may fear negative reactions if they do open up. Over time, that can make emotional self-awareness and vulnerability much harder

The Elders have left the Village…

Ancient Wisdom, Elder or Old?, Men, Mens Work, Parenting, Societal Values, Spirituality, Teenagers

..and we hardly noticed their departure.

This exodus wasn’t marked by ceremony or collective grief—it happened gradually, invisibly, as the perfect century-long storm of wars and progress transformed the landscape of ageing in the West into some kind of an endless summer for the soul. The result? We’ve inherited a cultural wound so profound that many of us approaching our autumn years can scarcely recognise it, let alone name it.

Disrupted Lineage

Stephen Jenkinson names this wound precisely: we’re facing not just a crisis of elderhood, but its near-complete annexation by a culture of age without ageing, retirement without ripening. The post-war generation, our Baby Boomers, inherited a fractured lineage. Their own elders, shaped by depression and war trauma, often carried a stoic silence that masked deeper developmental arrests. These were men and women who survived by compartmentalising, by pushing forward, by refusing to look back—a psychological strategy that served them in crisis but failed to nurture the soul-making necessary for true elderhood.

Difficulty in Accepting Transitions of Aging

James Hollis reminds us that this developmental crisis stems from our culture’s profound misunderstanding of life’s second half. We’ve created a society that promises endless youth, endless consumption, endless distraction—anything to avoid the necessary descent into what Richard Rohr calls the “second simplicity.” Sharon Blackie suggests this avoidance manifests differently yet devastatingly across genders—while men flee from the confrontation with mortality, women are often denied even the cultural space to age authentically, pressured instead to maintain a perpetual spring in defiance of their autumn wisdom. This has produced what might be history’s first elderless generation: the Boomers, caught between their traumatised parents and their own unmetabolised youth, never witnessed genuine elderhood in action. Instead, they saw retirement—that peculiar modern invention that transforms the autumn and winter season of life into an extended adolescence, complete with its focus on leisure, consumption, and self-referential pleasures.

Lost Connection to our Earth

The consequences of this developmental vacuum are far-reaching. Bill Plotkin’s work reveals how this absence of authentic elderhood has ruptured our relationship with the very planet which our souls are soul of, creating generations of developmentally arrested adults who mistake financial security and environmental dominance for psychological maturity and progress. We’ve lost the ecological consciousness that traditionally emerged through the ripening process of genuine elderhood, replacing it with what Jenkinson calls “elderly idealism”—a state of perpetual youth-mindedness that refuses the gravitational pull toward genuine maturity.

A Wound and an Invitation

For those of us now crossing the threshold into life’s autumn season, this inheritance is both a wound and an invitation. We stand at a crucial developmental crossroads: we can either perpetuate the pattern of arrested development that has characterised recent generations, or we can choose a more challenging path—one that requires us to rebuild and reimagine elderhood and the very practice of eldering. This is no small task, because like most of those born in the 20th century, we must learn to elder without elders.

Courtesy of David Tensen from his book “Decentre Everything….The Unconvential Approach to Eldering in an Age of Immaturity”

Guilt vs Shame

Uncategorised

Part of being human is our capactity to feel, to have emotions (e-motion…..energy in motion in our bodies)

Often there can be mental confusion about the difference between Guilt (what i’ve done/not done or how I did something) and Shame (how I am as a being/as a person/its me/its my fault).

Guilt vs Shame

Thanks to Pat Ogden for this image

Learn about yourself with other Men

Men, Mens Work, Societal Values

Mens Counselling/Help/Sharing/Therapeutic Group starting September 2022 Mondays Headington PM. Lasting for 90 minutes this is a chance to listen, talk, observe, share, feel, be, express. Let’s see what subjects emerge between us. Facilitated by Guy Turton. Interaction between us will be encouraged. It will NOT be 1 to 1 counselling with a lot of people watching you. Please contact HERE for further information and HERE to contact me

The Work (2017) Film

Men, Mens Work, Spirituality

“Nearly 20 years ago, an unconventional program started inside Folsom Prison: Some of Californias most hardened convicts invite members of the public to join them (in the prison) in intensive group therapy sessions” 

Haunting music accompanies the start of this documentary.  Outside the gates of the prison we see the pensive uncertain public volunteers arriving to go inside the prison being told “you are being watched right now”.  Interspersed with prison yard images of inmates in light blue prison uniform and white vests:  razor wire fences and closing steel gates, set against the bright blue Californian sky and the  prison security towers, vulnerability has no place here.  Gang and racial divisions still exist, to be emotional is weakness, and long since forgotten father wounds abound. 

We follow the 4 day  personal journey of each member of the public and several of the black, white, Hispanic, native american, bearded, bandana wearing inmates.  Several small therapy groups go on at the same time within the grey breeze block walls of a large undecorated prison room.   Heavy on seamlessly blended leader facilitation (these are prisoners who may sometimes be unpredictable), as well as peer facilitation,  we follow one group as one by one each man succumbs to his emotions and shows his vulnerability.  We see men who are brave enough to get in touch with their feelings, their emotional wounds, sometimes easily, sometimes through gritted teeth.  Daring to descend inwards and down to their most painful least visited places whilst being facilitated and held by the circle of fellow men, this is  deeply moving and thought provoking throughout.

“Right where your wound, your hurt is…..right alongside that you can find your gold”.   This isn’t a trained white middle class educated listener, but an incarcerated murderer uttering these words.

This is intense,  demanding viewing…….as I watch I realise the wider world is waking up to the possibility that unprocessed feelings may be behind much of the acting out behaviour of men that can be so damaging to societies, to their relationships with others and to themselves.

Ok, a confession, this type of work is close to  my heart……..but 90 minutes later I feel like I’ve been on retreat myself, my outer world receding as I too am put firmly in my own moment of aliveness, in touch with my body,  my emotions, my own “Work”, and the richness, beauty and power of men helping each other to get in touch with their true selves.

Iron John:Men and Masculinity (1990) by Robert Bly

Ancient Wisdom, Men, Mens Work, Outdoors, Spirituality

“At a gathering of men in a  huge hall in London in  the 1980’s (Robert Bly was there too).    A man climbed upon stage suddenly and shouted ‘I don’t know how to be a man!’ “.    A few years later this book arrived

Running through this book  is an ancient Brothers Grimm fable about a boy who goes into the forest.  (This tale was selected by Bly as one of only 6 out of 236 Grimm brothers stories that relates specifically to male dangers and triumphs)

The boy wants to do something dangerous. The king tells him about a lake in the forest where men keep disappearing.  The boy investigates and ends up having  to drain the lake, where at the bottom he finds a Wild Man.  The Wild Man has a Golden Ball that the boy has lost.   So begins a relationship between the boy and the Wild Man. 

Picture Source: Wikipedia

Later the Wild Man ends up locked in a cage.  The key to unlock the Wild Man and get back the boys Golden Ball is held under the boys mothers pillow….. the Wild Man tells the boy he needs to steal the key…..(Bly talks openly in the intro about the dilemma of having it under the mothers pillow)

Each of these events is pulled apart in great detail, discussed, and dissected, imagined and pondered  by Bly.  The symbolism of each stage of the tale is related to how men find themselves in modern Western society (ie generally not in touch with their true nature and true selves, perhaps looking for the answer in the wrong places).      It’s a series of gentle thoughtful duly considered wonderings, considered from many contexts and points of view. Bly is a poet and there is Jungian influence in this book. Its part poetry, part discussion, part mythology, part interspersed with modern examples to illustrate and keep it relevant

During my training the general interpretation  of “Wild” from fellow students was ‘out of control’.   Bly uses ‘Wild’ to mean connected to nature, free spirited, aware of his wound, hairy and not bound by convention, more like a Woodman or Shaman than a savage.      

This book is an acquired taste, not an easy read, despite being a bestseller and pretty well known amongst mens work literature.  It’s a book to dip into for a few pages, then ponder. Then come back to it some time later. Each time I’ve looked at it still feels like starting again each time.  Reading the same parts again can harvest a different fragment of the story.  It can be frustrating, and requires patience.   What is he trying to say?    How does he link it to what we actually need to do?   I’ve only made it to the end once, but then maybe that’s me (I’m not a good book finisher but a better starter)

Not one I’d suggest to give to clients in general unless you’ve formed your own view of it first, or they are particularly keen.  Bly is clear that this is about male initiation. And also that it does not exclude gay men.    It is however a remarkably ageless book that does not date like some books based on ideas/times/movements and you don’t have to be into poetry to get something out of it.

Counselling Training Advice

Concepts & PsychoEducation, Training

Considering a Counselling Training is a big step with many things to consider.

Financial, emotional, personal, practical.  Much of this can only be learnt when you have already commited to a particular course.   

1 or 2 sessions of discussion about you and your motivations can be helpful to ensure you make more informed choices.

We could make sure you are aware of the following:

– The level of commitment and the demands on you

– Choosing the right modality/type of training

– What you want out of this course now and in the future

– Different routes through training.

– Trainings that are safer bets and trainings that might need to be thought about in more detail

– The balance between Theory and Experiential

– When you gain the qualification what will you actually be able to do and not do?

6 people in your Couples Counselling Session?

Concepts & PsychoEducation, Couples, First Session, Men, Women

What? There will only be 2 adults in the session right?

Wrong. Alongside/Inside each of the two presenting adults is an internalised inner child and an internalised parental figure.

Suddenly things are a little bit more complicated

Person 1 Person 2

Couples sometimes get stuck in the dotted lines positions, where one is having a go at the other one. (Diagram courtesy of The Context of Things)

Couples Counselling aims to get both parties relating along the solid line ie from Adult to Adult. This happens by many methods but the first stage is to realise the unhelpful patterns and why they come about

To book a session

Searching for the Anti-Virus | Covid 19 as a Quantum Phenomenon

Ancient Wisdom, Covid 19, Societal Values, Spirituality

Thought provoking article by Martin Winiecki…part of which is below

“I’ve struggled to make sense of what is going on. My suspicious mind wandered around restlessly, examining all theories and possible explanations, yet I must admit: I don’t know what is happening. I do know this is a crucial moment of choice for humanity. In this essay, I will not suggest or discuss “what is going on.” I rather want to invite you into a realm transcending the dichotomy of “objective reality” vs “subjective thoughts/feelings,” which underlies most theories, predictions and calls to action in this crisis. Coming from a spiritually-informed holistic worldview, I entertain the possibility that we as humanity – or some deeper part of ourselves, whether conscious or not – have dreamed this moment into existence as a catalyst for our collective evolution. If that were true, how might we engage and respond? Covid-19 could actually present an unlikely possibility for collective awakening and far-reaching system change“