Couples Counselling aims to get both parties relating along the solid line ie from Adult to Adult. This happens by many methods but the first stage is to realise the unhelpful patterns and why they come about
“What is white supremacy, actually, and what does it look like in the everyday world? Furthermore, who is choosing to look away from the effects of white supremacy and their part in it and, importantly, why?”
Black and minority ethnic people are more likely to develop mental health conditions but less likely to access counselling – or find it fit for purpose. Are more BME therapists the answer?
I think the interventions and views taken by the therapists in this article are flawed. They were not being led by the clients experience but were trying to impose their own views, which is a mistake.
Guardian Article explains ” Parents should not worry about their teenagers’ delinquent behaviour provided they were well behaved in their earlier childhood”
“……. adults who had a long history of offending showed a smaller surface area in many regions of the brain compared with those with a clean track record. They also had thinner grey matter in regions linked to regulation of emotions, motivation and control of behaviour – aspects of behaviour they are known to have struggled with….”
For Couples that are separating as their best option, Author Warren Farrell lists the following 4 points for parents to consider in order to minimise the impact on Children:
1)Equal Time: (Children have equal time including overnights with each parent)
2)No Bad-mouthing: (this includes non verbal signals like eye-rolling, huffing and sighing)
3) Proximity:(Parents live close enough to each other that the child does not have to give up friends or activities to see a parent)
4)Counselling:(“Consistent Couples Counselling occurs even when there is no emergency”)
Perhaps Point 4 is the most contentious.
Couples might say: But we are separating! Why do we need Consistent Couples Counselling? This is the last thing i want! I can’t stand this person! I’m so angry/upset/out of love with them that I can’t bear it
A Couples Counsellor might say: Even during/after separation:
-I don’t mind whether you separate or stay together, but you might want to make sure that you are making your decision from a Conscious position
Each of you is still in Relationship with each other because of the Children. You will need to discuss their future and your continued need to co-parent
You have a problem. You go to the Doctor. You might carry some of the following conscious or unconscious assumptions…
– I will tell the Doctor my problem -The Doctor will draw conclusions relatively quickly to allow a ‘treatment path’ to be activated -They will make my problem go away, ideally without me having to do much (apart from maybe take medicine, take it easy etc) -The ‘fix’ is from the outside to the inside -Many similar ‘fixes’ might have been offered by this Doctor to other patients -It might be about getting rid of something or removing something from you
Counsellor or Doctor? How is a session Different?
How is this different from coming to see a Counsellor / Therapist?
-I won’t try to ‘fix’ you -It’s not about making progress necessarily (unless you tell me that’s what you want) -Instead it’s about understanding more clearly WHERE you are and WHY this might be -It’s about understanding how you are affected -It’s about understanding your hopes, fears, imagination, worries, thoughts, and feelings -We might wonder, ponder and consider things in more detail and with more time -You are an individual-We will consider your past, your present, your future -I believe you have all the wisdom and help you need within yourself, but there are some things getting in the way of you being able to access this inner wisdom -You might have to put a bit of yourself in the process and I realise this can be difficult, scary, and hard to imagine, but I’ve taken these steps before you so I might have an idea of how it could work for you
-There is the potential for lasting, real change and growth
Do you sometimes find yourself feeling Anxious or Avoidant in company or in Relationships? There are many many ways to consider this. One possible way is using the idea of “Attachment Theory”.
Your Attachment “style” influences how you are, conciously, or perhaps also unconciously or just in the edge of awareness.
There are 3 major “styles” of Attachment: Anxious, Avoidant, Secure.
Your attachment style evolves as a result of several things like, how you were related to throughout your life starting with pre-verbal times. It is influenced by your experiences, ie ‘nurture’ but also perhaps by “nature” ie how you were born.
How we relate to someone and feel in someones company can change from one person to the next ie it is person and situationally specific.
“Earnt Secure” is another Attachment Style. This means that you “Earn” this way of being/Attaching. For example, it can be possible to change your Attachment style (eg from “Anxious” to “Secure”) by working for/earning this transformation . This can be achieved by any sort of inner or soul or reflective transformational work, whether it be counselling, retreats, reading, journalling etc.
However I’d argue that to change an Attachment Style that was formed “through relationship” (ie as a result of early relational experiences, ie experiences with another) , it is also more likely that your attachment style can be changed more quickly if the work you do to change it, involves relationships or ‘Relational Work’.
Getting to know your Counsellor and working in depth with them is an example of the sort of “Relational Work” that has the potential to change your Attachment Style.
Parent Child Connection is illustrated as 11 year old boy shows Stepdad a video he made of their time together
2 minute video that hints at a childs desire to belong, to be part of something, and hints at the joy the 11 year old feels when in the company of his step-parent. Even when a family still lives under the same roof, it takes some effort, awareness and availability on the part of the parent or caregiver to create a relationship with their children like this. Sometimes there can be reasons why this sort of connection isn’t possible.
What was your experience like of being parented or looked after by a guardian?
This 90 second advert produced by Barnardos is very insightful in illustrating how difficult events in early childhood can affect through all stages of our growth to becoming adults.
The Advert is not showing specifically what Counselling is (apart from sitting opposite someone and talking) but shows how the adult has evolved from the child. Also shown is how the adult behaviour is influenced by childhood experiences.
You might take a different meaning from it. Whether you are a woman or a man which part of this video speaks to you or provokes you?
Counselling can provide an opportunity to explore your evolution from child to adult and/or how your childhood experiences may affect you now
