Guardian Article explains ” Parents should not worry about their teenagers’ delinquent behaviour provided they were well behaved in their earlier childhood”
“……. adults who had a long history of offending showed a smaller surface area in many regions of the brain compared with those with a clean track record. They also had thinner grey matter in regions linked to regulation of emotions, motivation and control of behaviour – aspects of behaviour they are known to have struggled with….”
A Rite of Passage is a process or ceremony or weekend or experience (traditionaly an adolescent, but can be any age of male) is invited to go through / attempt / face / embrace.
The Experience is organised / held / facilitated by Older/Elder Men, each of whom will have previously completed the same process. (So they understand what the Adolescent is attempting)
The content of the Rites is not known by the young person beforehand but includes Physical, Emotional, Mental challenges, ceremonies, might be outdoors, might be educational, involve mythology, stories or tales or indeed anything.
The Challenges are such that the Participant male won’t know if they can necessary attempt and/or complete what is being asked of them. They will have to look within themselves to tune into hitherto untapped inner resources. There is some fear in the sense that the particpant won’t know if they can do it until they’ve tried it and managed it.
Fear can also be in facing inner emotional challenges, tuning into their vulnerability and, feelings and realising that not only is it survivable but can be very life enhancing
“…the elders were so open and vulnerable, that I felt comfortable to do the same. It’s crazy to think of how us guys are never able to truly express ourselves and the power in having other men to be real and honest with.”
the best thing that I’ve ever done for myself, and I know that this was in no small part down to the leap of faith that I made in going for it with very limited foreknowledge”
“We don’t understand the meaning of our internal experiences until we see them externalised, or played out for us in the faces and reactions of our caregivers”
“This pattern of empathising, then reframing and de-shaming looks uncannily like the mirroring-and-soothing exchanges between mother and infant in the first years of life”
Guardian Article about Early interactions with caregivers can dramatically affect your beliefs about yourself, your expectations of others, and how you cope with stress and regulate your emotions as an adult
“It isn’t hard to see how such attachment patterns can undermine mental health. Both anxious and avoidant coping have been linked to a heightened risk of anxiety, depression, loneliness, eating and conduct disorders, alcohol dependence, substance abuse and hostility. The way to treat these problems, say attachment theorists, is in and through a new relationship. On this view, the good therapist becomes a temporary attachment figure, assuming the functions of a nurturing mother, repairing lost trust, restoring security, and instilling two of the key skills engendered by a normal childhood: the regulation of emotions and a healthy intimacy”
Would you consider Couples Counselling before getting married?
What would the decision to have Counselling before getting married communicate to your partner, to others, to yourself?
The implications of a Wedding and the later commitment it entails are a life changing decision. The gap between how we expect a Relationship to be (fill in your imagined expectations here) and how it actually turns out (fill out your experience here) can sometimes be significant and quite challenging.
Would your PreWedding counselling experience make a difference to your decision to commit? Or if you found difficulties would you simply think things would be different after making the commitment?
For Couples that are separating as their best option, Author Warren Farrell lists the following 4 points for parents to consider in order to minimise the impact on Children:
1)Equal Time: (Children have equal time including overnights with each parent)
2)No Bad-mouthing: (this includes non verbal signals like eye-rolling, huffing and sighing)
3) Proximity:(Parents live close enough to each other that the child does not have to give up friends or activities to see a parent)
4)Counselling:(“Consistent Couples Counselling occurs even when there is no emergency”)
Perhaps Point 4 is the most contentious.
Couples might say: But we are separating! Why do we need Consistent Couples Counselling? This is the last thing i want! I can’t stand this person! I’m so angry/upset/out of love with them that I can’t bear it
A Couples Counsellor might say: Even during/after separation:
-I don’t mind whether you separate or stay together, but you might want to make sure that you are making your decision from a Conscious position
Each of you is still in Relationship with each other because of the Children. You will need to discuss their future and your continued need to co-parent