All posts by guy

Being vs Doing

Western society values Doing much more than Being.

Article from ‘The Ascent’ goes into this in more detail

Doing can be measured, can be seen by others, and can often me monetised

Being is hard to measure, is less visible and often doesn’t generate money

Doing can have a function of blocking out or avoiding or making it harder to tune into our deeper wisdom, intuition, perception and feelings.

This is an example of something that can be explored in Counselling for some people

‘I thought I was a lost cause’: how therapy is failing people of colour

Black and minority ethnic people are more likely to develop mental health conditions but less likely to access counselling – or find it fit for purpose. Are more BME therapists the answer?

I think the interventions and views taken by the therapists in this article are flawed. They were not being led by the clients experience but were trying to impose their own views, which is a mistake.

Long Term Offenders have different brain structure

Guardian Article explains ” Parents should not worry about their teenagers’ delinquent behaviour provided they were well behaved in their earlier childhood”

“……. adults who had a long history of offending showed a smaller surface area in many regions of the brain compared with those with a clean track record. They also had thinner grey matter in regions linked to regulation of emotions, motivation and control of behaviour – aspects of behaviour they are known to have struggled with….”

What is a Rite of Passage?

A Rite of Passage is a process or ceremony or weekend or experience (traditionaly an adolescent, but can be any age of male) is invited to go through / attempt / face / embrace.

The Experience is organised / held / facilitated by Older/Elder Men, each of whom will have previously completed the same process. (So they understand what the Adolescent is attempting)

The content of the Rites is not known by the young person beforehand but includes Physical, Emotional, Mental challenges, ceremonies, might be outdoors, might be educational, involve mythology, stories or tales or indeed anything.

The Challenges are such that the Participant male won’t know if they can necessary attempt and/or complete what is being asked of them. They will have to look within themselves to tune into hitherto untapped inner resources. There is some fear in the sense that the particpant won’t know if they can do it until they’ve tried it and managed it.

Fear can also be in facing inner emotional challenges, tuning into their vulnerability and, feelings and realising that not only is it survivable but can be very life enhancing

Rites of Passage: For Young Men

The next Younger Men’s Rites of Passage are  25-29 June 2020 near Hexham in Northumberland

Pondering questions………

Feedback:

“…the elders were so open and vulnerable, that I felt comfortable to do the same. 
It’s crazy to think of how us guys are never able to truly express ourselves and 
the power in having other men to be real and honest with.”

the best thing that I’ve ever done for myself, and I know that this was in no small part down to
the leap of faith that I made in going for it with very limited foreknowledge”

How you attach to people may explain a lot about your inner life: How early interactions can affect inner beliefs about yourself

“We don’t understand the meaning of our internal experiences until we see them externalised, or played out for us in the faces and reactions of our caregivers”

“This pattern of empathising, then reframing and de-shaming looks uncannily like the mirroring-and-soothing exchanges between mother and infant in the first years of life”

Guardian Article about Early interactions with caregivers can dramatically affect your beliefs about yourself, your expectations of others, and how you cope with stress and regulate your emotions as an adult

“It isn’t hard to see how such attachment patterns can undermine mental health. Both anxious and avoidant coping have been linked to a heightened risk of anxiety, depression, loneliness, eating and conduct disorders, alcohol dependence, substance abuse and hostility. The way to treat these problems, say attachment theorists, is in and through a new relationship. On this view, the good therapist becomes a temporary attachment figure, assuming the functions of a nurturing mother, repairing lost trust, restoring security, and instilling two of the key skills engendered by a normal childhood: the regulation of emotions and a healthy intimacy”

“Soulmates do not exist”. The Surprising rise of (Pre) Wedding Therapy

Interesting Article from the Guardian newspaper about the rise of (Pre) ‘Wedding Therapy’ (ie Couples Counselling) before getting married.

Would you consider Couples Counselling before getting married?

What would the decision to have Counselling before getting married communicate to your partner, to others, to yourself?

The implications of a Wedding and the later commitment it entails are a life changing decision. The gap between how we expect a Relationship to be (fill in your imagined expectations here) and how it actually turns out (fill out your experience here) can sometimes be significant and quite challenging.

Would your PreWedding counselling experience make a difference to your decision to commit? Or if you found difficulties would you simply think things would be different after making the commitment?

Divorce: The Four “Must-Dos” for Parents

Writing in his Book “The Boy Crisis”

For Couples that are separating as their best option, Author Warren Farrell lists the following 4 points for parents to consider in order to minimise the impact on Children:

1)Equal Time: (Children have equal time including overnights with each parent)

2)No Bad-mouthing: (this includes non verbal signals like eye-rolling, huffing and sighing)

3) Proximity:(Parents live close enough to each other that the child does not have to give up friends or activities to see a parent)

4)Counselling:(“Consistent Couples Counselling occurs even when there is no emergency”)

Perhaps Point 4 is the most contentious.

Couples might say: But we are separating! Why do we need Consistent Couples Counselling? This is the last thing i want! I can’t stand this person! I’m so angry/upset/out of love with them that I can’t bear it

A Couples Counsellor might say: Even during/after separation:

-I don’t mind whether you separate or stay together, but you might want to make sure that you are making your decision from a Conscious position

Each of you is still in Relationship with each other because of the Children. You will need to discuss their future and your continued need to co-parent