All posts by guy

Attachment Style in Relationships

Attachment Style in Relationship. What is your style?

Article from the Guardian “The attachment secret: are you a secure, avoidant or anxious partner?”

Attachment Style in Relationship. What is your style?
Do you reach out or retreat?

Do you sometimes find yourself feeling Anxious or Avoidant in company or in Relationships? There are many many ways to consider this. One possible way is using the idea of “Attachment Theory”.

Your Attachment “style” influences how you are, conciously, or perhaps also unconciously or just in the edge of awareness.

There are 3 major “styles” of Attachment: Anxious, Avoidant, Secure.

Your attachment style evolves as a result of several things like, how you were related to throughout your life starting with pre-verbal times. It is influenced by your experiences, ie ‘nurture’ but also perhaps by “nature” ie how you were born.

How we relate to someone and feel in someones company can change from one person to the next ie it is person and situationally specific.

“Earnt Secure” is another Attachment Style. This means that you “Earn” this way of being/Attaching. For example, it can be possible to change your Attachment style (eg from “Anxious” to “Secure”) by working for/earning this transformation . This can be achieved by any sort of inner or soul or reflective transformational work, whether it be counselling, retreats, reading, journalling etc.

However I’d argue that to change an Attachment Style that was formed “through relationship” (ie as a result of early relational experiences, ie experiences with another) , it is also more likely that your attachment style can be changed more quickly if the work you do to change it, involves relationships or ‘Relational Work’.

Getting to know your Counsellor and working in depth with them is an example of the sort of “Relational Work” that has the potential to change your Attachment Style.

Please get in touch if you wanted to discuss this further

What is missing in Modern Mens Work?

Can the phenomenon of absent fathers ever be a blessing in the life of their sons, rather than the curse it is conventionally purported to be?’

What can it learn from Queer Theory, Transgender and Non Binary Stances?

Sons of our Fathers, an article from Therapy Today covering Trump, Zuckerberg, Mythology, and placing modern mens work in context by Manu Bazzano who is a therapist, supervisor and visiting lecturer at Roehampton University and the College of Haringey, Enfield and North East London

What a connection to parent means to a child….

Parent Child Connection is illustrated as 11 year old boy shows Stepdad a video he made of their time together

2 minute video that hints at a childs desire to belong, to be part of something, and hints at the joy the 11 year old feels when in the company of his step-parent. Even when a family still lives under the same roof, it takes some effort, awareness and availability on the part of the parent or caregiver to create a relationship with their children like this. Sometimes there can be reasons why this sort of connection isn’t possible.

Parent Child Connection

What was your experience like of being parented or looked after by a guardian?

What was your Parent Child Connection like?

To Book a Session with Guy

Introductory Evening: A Band of Brothers

Circle Lite:

Thursday 31st October 7pm – 9.30pm Jubilee 77 Hall Sorrel Road, Oxford OX4 6SH

If you are a young men age 18- 25 don’t miss out if you are struggling, need to make a change in your life and you’re ready to make a commitment. – Or know someone who is – this is your chance: JUST SHOW UP to learn more.

If you are a men over the age of 28, whether interested in becoming a mentor, making referrals or supporting through funding – come and find out how you can get involved.

Adverse Childhood Experiences

Thought provoking animated style video about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES)

Although this Video is in animated form, you may see aspects of yourself in this video…You may be reminded of yours or others history. You may experience an emotional response watching this.

We could say the video is a little simplistic. It implies that getting help via police and social worker is the way to resolve or get past Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES). It may also imply that if you have an Adverse Childhood Experience then you will be more likely/or inevitably suffer later in life. It is not inevitable. Many factors are relevant in considering the impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences. These include the natural resilience of each person, the nature and number of difficulties and the nature and number of supportive influences and Protective factors or Counter-ACES in a young persons life.

You may find that Counselling is one of the many ways that you can come to terms with. and help understand Adverse Childhood Experiences

Where do you see yourself in this video? (Adult to child in 90 moving seconds)

This 90 second advert produced by Barnardos is very insightful in illustrating how difficult events in early childhood can affect through all stages of our growth to becoming adults.

The Advert is not showing specifically what Counselling is (apart from sitting opposite someone and talking) but shows how the adult has evolved from the child. Also shown is how the adult behaviour is influenced by childhood experiences.

You might take a different meaning from it. Whether you are a woman or a man which part of this video speaks to you or provokes you?

Counselling can provide an opportunity to explore your evolution from child to adult and/or how your childhood experiences may affect you now

Becoming an Orphan at 25

Adults as Orphans? Emotional Orphans when parents are not available?

We traditionally think of orphans as children. What happens when an adult becomes an orphan owing to the physical loss or death of parents? If someone is older then perhaps its expected. But what if the death of parents is when someone is younger or not expected?

Can we define a concept such as an “emotional orphan”? Perhaps it is someone whose parents are alive but not emotionally available to them. There are many reasons why a parent may not be able to be available to their young children or grown up adult children. Addiction, workaholism, being wrapped up in their own difficulties, lack of awareness, problems in how parents were parented, ie intergenerational challenges can all be reasons for a parents non availability from an emotional perspective.

This is harder to recognise and perhaps goes under the radar at a societal level but the effects can be just as challenging. Unpicking and becoming more fully aware of how our relationships with our parents affected us is one of many things that can be explored through counselling.

This Guardian article explains the experience of someone who became an orphan at 25

Placement for Trainee Counsellors in Oxford

Long Term Counselling Placements
Oxford Mens Counselling Service Logo

Long Term Counselling Placements for Men & Women Trainee Counsellors in Oxford

Oxford Mens Counselling Service is recruiting trainee counsellors for long term placements. working with Men. Most placements only offer short term work, so this placement offers the benefits of long term work. Free Monthly supervision Groups are also included.

Female and Male trainee counsellors of any modality are invited to contact.

Please contact Will Bentley for further information on 01865 422 363. Please leave a message if necessary

Book Review: The Tracker (by Tom Brown Jr)

Tom Sawyer meets Native American Wisdom

Deeply inspiring auto-biographical book, covering the real life adventures of the author whilst living on the edge of the Pine Barrens wilderness area of New Jersey.

82 year old Lipan Apache “Stalking Wolf”, (who had avoided reservation life, and got his name by stalking and touching a Wolf) had his lifetime prophecy/vision realised when he saw the 8 year old Tom playing by the river in 1958.

A ten year apprenticeship commenced, where Stalking Wolf imparted his 82 years worth of earth and spiritual based wisdom into eager participants Tom and his friend Rick.

Split into 21 easily readable chapters, this shortish book covers concepts like the inter-connectedness of, and value of concentric circles in the forest, how the mice can be great teachers, the mythical “Jersey Devil”, and learning how to change ones relationship to the cold.

Several gripping, page turning chapters include encounters with packs of wild dogs (Tom has to think about dog pack and lead dog psychology and use great ingenuity and physical prowess to get away after 72 hours stuck in a tree) , an encounter with an angry bear, an extermination, a revenge against inconsidered humans, and the life or death tracking of a mentally impaired adult who is lost in the Pine Barrens.

This book is for anyone who wants to reconnect to what we might have lost in our materalistic, scientific, evidence based world. It provides a window into how a continent used to live for tens of thousands of years until recently

I found this book was one that lived contentedly in my dreams. I bought several copies and wanted to give them away and enthusiatically wanted to tell the stories within it (without giving away the endings of course!).

I also felt sadness for what has been lost in terms of my understanding of nature and spirit and my natural environment.

However I think that a master novelist couldn’t match the impact of some of these chapters. I’ve never been much of a reader but perhaps i’ve just been reading the wrong books…….

(this is a copy of a review I wrote on Amazon)

Do you have a question about Counselling?

I’m sure this website doesn’t have all the answers. Perhaps you are sitting with a question you want answered and aren’t sure what to do next? Can you help me understand what it is like to consider coming to Counselling or asking questions about it?

At the bottom of the screen it is possible to post a question. Depending on the nature of the question and/or your stated preference I will try to answer publicly or privately.

Thankyou.

Guy